Things that happened on Saturday and Sudnay

I sat down today to listen to you. I listened for hours about everything that I did wrong. Everything that I could have imagined I did wrong.

Things You said:

“You walk far to slow when we are in a hurry. You’re the reason I’m always late”

“You never speak up when we are in crowded rooms, So I can never understand what’s going on”

“You dress to simple. And it makes me look materialistic and superficial.”

“ You like music that isn’t even popular anymore, and when the windows are down and the music is turned up, people in the car next to us have to stare.”

“You’re to mean when you write, and it hurts. And I have to clean up the mess.”

“You cook too much, so we can never go out!”

“You read too much, and it makes me look dumb.”

“You sleep to earlier, so we never have time to talk.”

“You still go to school and it makes me look uneducated and even lazy.”

I sweat in the center of my palms and bottom of my feet turned cold and I began to worry about catching a cold. My nervous nature caused my hands to shake and my fingers began to make holes in my simple skirt. My nervous nature will never allow to stop doing that. Pretty soon its going to look like I buy my clothes that way. Trademark. I don’t ever look up at you while you talk like this. I sit and I listen. I nod my head or shake my head. I say that I’m sorry and that I will try harder.

And you say:

“It makes me sick when you do that…. Like you’re some type of target or victim or something. I have every single right to say the things I say.”

Here’s the part where I hide my tears. Emotions can be so over whelming. I look at you and with a quiet voice say “I promise I will try harder, please dear just give me some time.” And you will look at me and shake your head. And then walk around the room, pick up a book I’m reading and then say: “ I just don’t know what I can do anymore.” Then you will look up at me; I know its mostly because you like to feel superb in situations like this. And I will play into every move. I will have you your gold crown and bow before you. After some time you will come back into the living and sit on the couch next to me. You’ll give a little sigh and then scratch your neck, and the look over at me and you will say:

“You never see how hard I try to get along with you. And that is what makes me just want to give up. But I can’t cause then I will feel bad.”


Here's looking at you kid:

I hate dreams where people you love die

Flatter Me Darling

I had a day when I felt that my body was dead. That my heart was going to fall out of chest... people can be such silly things. Noises are entirely to annoying. Women are vicious, people are vicious. I wish she would stop looking a the scale on the bathroom floor. Stop counting meaningless calroies. Please understand that not everyone can be a size 4. You're fine just the way you are. Turn of the TV and read some books with me. Lets just sit down and not say a word. Lets play Scrabble and do the New York Times crossword in pen.

You had a better idea for the day didn't you? Put in THE CURE MIX CD you made and lets dance... constantly move, close our eyes to increase the level of excitement found in us. Hold hands and sing (even if we dont remember the lyrics). Then when our hearts come to the point where it has found its own rymthm, lets lay on the floor (even though the couch is brand new) and watch movies. Black and White ones. "You know the ones that havent lost the true meaning of a film. Then when that's down we can move on the forgien exchange films and see who can read the screen faster. And last but not least independent films that are just plain real. I hate action movies and movies that have to much editing." You're a funny person, you. I like the way sleep and eat.

I put too much thought into the things I do. I like the way it is when you're around when I forget the process of low self esteem. " What is that any way? I dont think you know what self is...and that why its so low... Cause I mean yesterday when we were waiting for the bus...ha I like that we still ride the bus even though we have cars. anyway we were waiting for the bus and there was that man who had to dig in a trash can for food. He had the high self esteem. now...what do you want to eat today..."

You're such a character. My favorite one.





In other news :


He is just so handsome

Today, today, today. Eh, it's one of those days that you hope goes by really fast before it has even started. It's one of those werid days that you can't even begin to figure out how to put it in words. And if you can possible find a way to put it in words...it wouldn't seem good enough- or is it bad enough. Whatever though no need to sit here at my laptop and complain endlessly about the day and have it linger longer than its rightfully welcome.

Positive outcomes of the day:
1. Fight Club is one of the most exhilarating books I have ever read. I know this because Tyler knows this.
2. The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand should be read by every single human being in existence. (Even younger ones... cause I don't believe in any form of cenorship.)
3. Donuts... I constantly break my health plan; so it looks like I will reach my health goal by the year 2201(maybe)
4. Clean clothes... finally went to a laundry mat instead of wearing mismatch clothes.
5. hmm when I type the number 5 I did so because I hope that I would have another happy thing to write about...and upon writing this last comment I do! I have been weaving a new story and the characters are coming together nicely I just hope it stays that way.

I wont list anything negative because I just dont want to...

Book list:1. The Doll House by Henrik Ibsen
2. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
3. Crome Yellow
4. To the Lighthouse by Vriginia Woolf
5. The Portable Dorothy Parker
6. The Fountainhead
7. Portable Twenith Century Russian reader.

I think I will spend the rest of the night watch the Science of Sleep, Lars and the Real Girl, and Smart People.independent Films move this little heart into a pitter and patter motion.Well that is it